Anguish and Uncertainty
by isthatacorner
Summary: Instead of lying to Bella about no longer loving her Edward tells her the truth of why he was leaving. Set during New Moon.


**Disclaimer: Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. It's true! She made 'em all up. Came to her in a dream.**

**Title: Anguish and Uncertainty**

**A One shot.**

**Summary: Instead of lying to Bella about no longer loving her Edward tells her the truth of why he was leaving.**

I couldn't take my eyes away from his hair. The way the light fell on it some strands seemed to glow like his eyes when he was well fed. Others were as black as his eyes when he was thirsty. And then there were the wisps of hair that were bouncing against the starched white collar of his shirt at the nape of his neck and the contrast of the bronze to the bright blue of his sweater as I followed him.

And I was following him. Normally, we walked side by side, me tucked up under his arm or with our fingers wound around each other. Since my damn birthday, however, he's been scaring me. He's so distant one minute, and the next he clings to me. His hands skim my face, sides, and hips. Anguish and uncertainty in his eyes. At first I tried to give him his space but when I started following him I began to chase. He was distant and I was chasing our intimacy, our relationship, _us_. Trying to save us.

"Bella!" I heard the reprimand in his voice and looked up. I had stopped walking at the edge of the woods. I hadn't even noticed. His hand was held out to me for the first time in days; for once not ensconced in his pockets. My favorite crooked smile was playing on his lips without ever reaching his eyes. His cocked head caused light and shadow to burst anew in his hair.

I stumbled, just a little, as I rushed to grasp his hand in mine. My reaching hand grabbed his reaching hand awkwardly and before I could do any damage to myself the hand that had been in his pocket reached out to steady me. His grip lingered on my arm, near my shoulder, his curled fingers a breath from my breast, for several seconds longer than necessary as his eyes traveled over my face. For a minimal moment his gaze softened and he looked at me the way he used to. Last week. Before my stupid birthday. But then, his gaze hardened again. His eyes filled with determination and something else. The steadying hand released me, and the hand I was still clinging to shifted and readjusted so our fingers were linked together in a more comfortable, familiar position.

"Wh-"I took a deep breath and released a sigh, trying to do a way with the stutters. "What do you want to talk about, Edward?"

"Not here. Not yet." He squeezed my hand, almost too tightly. Only almost tight enough to bruise. "God, Bella. I love you. "He was staring at me again, "I love you." Anguish. I tried to meet his gaze, but he was now steadfastly moving forward, his eyes looking only ahead. I thrilled to hear the words he had spoken. Over the course of our time together he said them often and every time my heart still skipped a beat. I tried to respond, but the pace he set was so quick that I was nearly running to keep up with his longer stride. It was several minutes of walking in the dank woods, and multiple trips and stumbles aborted by Edward later that we finally stopped.

We were in a clearing considerably smaller than our meadow. The trees were high over head; their branches and boughs stretching and intertwining and blocking the sky. Green lace etched itself onto his marble skin. His hand cupped my cheek and his lips crashed on to mine. I know the weight and the taste and the feel of this kiss. Tears are forging a path down my cheeks and for one wild moment I wish I were in that one crazy Christmas movie—the one with the boy in the bunny costume and the BB gun and 'you'll shoot your eye out, kid!' and a sexy lamp shaped like a leg. There's a scene in the movie where the boy, Ralphie I think his name is, sticks his tongue on a pole of some sort, a light pole maybe? And his tongue freezes there. I wish, so badly, that I were in that movie, that my torrent of tears could act as a binding agent and literally freeze Edward to me. Finally, my back thuds against a tree and Edward removes his lips from mine and takes several unnecessary and very measured breaths. "I wish I could tell you not to cry, but…" He moved his shoulders in a gesture of helplessness. "I love you Bella, you do know that don't you?"

"It doesn't—"I begin while nodding my head.

"Don't say that it doesn't make sense Bella, please don't." He snaps, cutting me off. "Just tell me that you know it. That I managed to make you feel that way." I noticed that past tense.

"Everyday, Edward! Every single day you make me feel that way. Do I?" I felt foolish. There's no way that I could possibly. But I can't stop the words from trailing out of my mouth. "For you, I mean?"

"I was asleep before you Bella. I love my family. But it was like I was trapped in my existence and they lived." His lips curled in a half hearted smirk. "They lived and were happy and as for me…I couldn't begin to begin until I met you, my Bella. It was all worthwhile. The numbness. The aloneness. Every part of my existence was to prepare me for you and I can not possibly regret a moment of it."

"What is this about Edward?" I know what it is about. But a part of me is still desperately clinging to the possibility that maybe I'm wrong. He loves me he loves me he loves me

"I'm going away." The words hit me like individual bullets tearing into my chest.

"I'll go with you."

"You can't."

"But you said, you just said that you love me--!"  
"Bella, I do!"

"Then why do you want to leave me?" My voice cracked and broke and my legs gave away. I crumbled to the ground before he could catch me. He didn't try. I guess I have to try and catch myself now. He kneeled across from me, but still too far to touch.

"You're not good for me Bella."

"Good enough for you."

"NO! No, never say that! If anything, I'm not good enough for you! I can't give you a normal life, children. I can't even walk down a public street with you in the sun."

"How many times do I have to tell you? I don't care! About any of that! Do you hear me? I don't care! I can live without kids and you can sparkle in private. Hell! The only people I want to be around sparkle! If you want to leave me, you have to do better than that!" He didn't love me. He should just say it. Why bother with excuses? We never made sense. Not to me and certainly not to anyone who ever saw us together.

"I called you a magnet for danger, remember?" I remember everything he ever told me. I nodded. "You don't just attract danger to yourself Bella. You bring it to those around you." I winced. "Do you remember Phoenix?" Of course I remember Phoenix. Reflexively my hand found the crescent shape in my hand that would always be several degrees cooler than the rest of me. James' bite. "Alice can see the future. Jasper can feel your every emotion. They should have known the second you planned to meet him in the ballet studio. Alice even drew you there. Did you know that? And you still managed to leave and almost get yourself killed. I'm trying to do what you did, Bella."

"What do you mean?" I keep trying to think of something, anything to say but I can't. How can I deny him the right to protect the people that he loves? Esme? Alice? Rosalie? I would happily die to protect my family, including every member of the Cullen's, how can I possibly try and prevent him from doing what I so readily try to do? Maybe this is an example of how much alike we are. Dazedly I drag my hands across my face. I'm still crying. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever be able to stop. The holes in my chest from his bullets have grown from individual wounds into a large, gaping maw.

"This is my sacrifice, Bella. I can't keep endangering my family."

"Then change me!" I cry out, desperately.

"I won't take your soul Bella!"

"I don't believe that!"

"I do, Bella! _I do_." Anguish_._

"I wouldn't need to be protected anymore, Edward. Your family wouldn't be in any more danger! I could protect myself. I could protect them!"

"The treaty."

"What?"

"Our treaty with the Quileute's. We will not kill our bite anyone while in Forks or the treaty is off. We could be revealed and then killed – all of us – by the Volturi."

"Then I'll go with you. Right now. "I struggle to regain my feet. "Let's just go."

"What about Charlie?"

"If I leave then there's no reason for anything to come for him." He closed his eyes as if considering. "If you leave here, Edward, who's to say that some other vampire won't come along and kill me?"

"The only others who know of you are Laurent and he has mated with one of the Denali clan. He will not harm you and I plan on taking care of Victoria."

"What does that mean?"I sink back to my knees. Horrified and terrified all at once.

"I'm going to kill her. Make sure that you're safe." He nods his head decisively with each word. "Bella?" He's by my side again. His fingers are gently tracing over my face, his eyes the deepest black drowning in pain.

"No, Edward! No!" I clutch at him. "What if you can't? What if you get…?" I start hyperventilating. "What if you get hurt?"

"It's the only way I can protect you Bella."

"Stay." I say forcefully, between gasps. One of my hands clutching at him, the other trying to hold me together. "You can protect me by staying."

"But I can't protect my family. What if something dangerous is attracted to you and one of my family dies while I try and protect you? What if you die while I'm trying to protect them? Bella, I can't. I can't stay with you." For one second in Phoenix, before the fire of the venom started spreading I had looked at Edwards face and through a haze of pain I had thought, 'the angel is crying. The angel shouldn't cry.' This is so much worse. I have no more arguments. I have to let him go.

"When?"

"As soon as I leave here. My family is waiting."

"Are they leaving too?" I felt him nod as he pulled me into his embrace and buried his face in my neck. He was soon pressing his ear right above my heart. Listening to the erratic beating. "Will you tell them?" I take a deep, deep breath. I need to get this out. "Will you tell them that I love them? And that I will remember them forever?"

"NO! It will be as if we were never here. Like we never existed. It will be better for you this way."

"Don't. You. Dare." I jerk myself free of his embrace. "I can't make you stay. That's obvious, but you cannot make me forget you."

"You have to let me go Bella. I'll remember you forever, of course, but you're a human." Throw that in my face why don't you? Just kick me when I'm down. "Your memory is so weak. Soon you'll forget all about me. If you remember me at all it will be as a high school crush or romance. I need you to be happy Bella. The only way I can do this is if I know that you're living a normal life." I look at him incredulously.

"Any chance of my ever being happy you're taking with you. This normal life you keep raging on about? Maybe in a few decades the pain will numb enough for that to be remotely possible and even then Edward, your shadow will forever be lingering over me. I'll be broken now. I'll never love anyone else."

"Bella –"

"Edward I feel like I'm dying."I break and choke and fall into his stone embrace and we sob together. "How am I supposed to do this without you?"

"Supposed to do what, Bella?"

"Live."

"You will Bella. For me. For Charlie and Renee. Although you say that you're broken now and that you'll never find love again you will. You'll meet a human man and he'll give you children and you'll live for them."

"I'll love you forever Edward."I don't bother to refute his claim. If believing this makes it easier for him, this is the only thing I'll ever be able to give him. Assistance in breaking my heart.

"As I will you. When you die, I'll follow."

"I need you." If he weren't a vampire I doubt he'd have been able to understand the gibberish coming from my mouth as I sobbed. He held me tighter.

"Forever, Bella. I'll love you forever. You're it for me."

"You have to let me remember you. I'll go crazy without that. I need to be able to remember you. Nothing you want for me…I won't be able to do it, any of it if you don't at least let me have your memory. I'll die." I feel like I'm being melodramatic, but I believe, with all of my heart that without at least his memory I will go crazy and eventually die. "Ask Alice."

"Run with me? One last time?" With my nod he lifted me up into his arms. My legs wrap around his waist and my arms around his neck and we are practically nose to nose. He didn't sling me over his back this time. I tried to still my tears. This is the last time I would ever see him. I need to be able to see him clearly. The tears came more heavily. "Go slower. Stupid vampire." I grumbled at him, and we both smiled weakly. Soon he was going slowly, even for a human. But still, all too soon, we were standing on Charlie's porch. The Cullen's car waited for him in the drive. He set me on my feet and the panic set in.

"You'll tell them won't you? That I'm sorry for putting them in danger? That I didn't do it on purpose? That I love them?"

"They already know."Behind him doors opened and closed and before I could process the Cullen's were surrounding me, even Rosalie and Jasper, hugging, holding and kissing and finally saying goodbye.

"Always Bella." Edward murmured pressing his lips to mine.

"Always." I repeated as he shuffled; forlornly back to his family's car.

I stood there until the car disappeared, much sooner than it would have if a human were driving. I was still standing there hours later when Charlie came home.

"Bells? Whatcha doin'?

"The Cullen's left. Carlisle was offered a better job in LA and now, their gone." As I fed Charlie the lie that would soon be circulating, the tears returned, in earnest. Edward is gone. Turning, I fled to my room and threw myself on the bed and cried until finally I fell asleep.

When I woke the next morning, anxiously, I went to my photo album that I received on my birthday. It was still were I left it on the corner of my desk. I sank slowly onto my chair and began flipping through it. There they were the family I had come to adore. The man that I loved. Friends. Charlie. Soon, I reached the last page. There was a slip of heavy, obviously good quality paper, tucked in the slots of the last page. Removing it, I opened it and read

Be safe. Be happy. The next we meet we will see who was right.

**AN: **Well kids, that's that. I do hope you enjoyed. Oh and honestly my books are currently being held hostage in a storage unit so this is based off of memory if I got some things wrong it's because I couldn't check. And, if you decided you wanted to drop a gal a line with a review, critique, criticism I wouldn't shake my fist bitterly at the screen and say whatcha doin that for. I really wouldn't.


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